If Love Was A Plane, Would You Get On?

While reading this morning, I overheard the beginning of a talk-show where today’s guests were discussing their “open marriage,” or as they called it “progressive love.” They proceeded to explain their marriage and extramarital relationships, which the host used a chart and pointer to help the audience understand. The wife, who was the most vocal of proponent of the arrangement, stated, “If airplanes failed 55% of the time, would we continue fly?” Her argument was our marriage system is broken and there is one way to fix it—abandon traditional marriage and find an arrangement which permits infidelity instead of punishing it.

The concept sickened me, especially as I’ve been preparing my sermon for Sunday Morning. I’m preaching through Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount and we have come to Matthew 5:28-32, where He provides an interpretation of the seventh commandment. Previously, Jesus has explained to the Disciples that they are members of the Kingdom of Heaven and, as such, they are responsible for living radically different lives. They will serve as “the light to the world,” which will draw others into worship of their God, and they will be “the salt of the earth,” because they will provide purification (redemption) through the message that they share—the message of the Gospel.

Jesus opened this section of the Sermon on the Mount by proclaiming that He did not come to destroy the Law, but to fulfill it. In fact, the Law will remain authoritative, though some parts of it may need to be re-evaluated in light of His coming. The pericope that I will preach this week deals specifically with the commandment: “You shall not commit adultery.” Having been reminded of the importance of the institution of marriage and the faithfulness it should demonstrate to our faithless world, I decided I needed to clear my mind by putting my thoughts into words.

First, the analogy of a plane is not a valid analogy. A plane is a machine and it is designed, manufactured, maintained, and flown by people. It does not operate independently; rather, a flight is orchestrated by people. The better analogy would be, “If a pilot crashed,” “If an airline’s planes,” or “If a manufacturer’s planes” failed 55% of the time, would we continue to let “him fly?” “allow them to operate?” or “buy their planes?”, respectively. Marriage is not a machine, so take the machine out of the analogy and compare the elements that are the same.

Second, if we use the correct analogy, then I think it is reasonable to say, “If these planes are failing/crashing, we need to change something.” The truth is, the plane is manufactured to certain specifications, the airline performs regular maintenance of the aircraft, and the flight crew performs pre-flight inspections to ensure the plane is mechanically sound and the flight systems are functioning. When a plane crash does occur, the first items the investigators check are the maintenance history of the aircraft and pre-flight inspection. The machine, if operating as designed, doesn’t fail—the people do.

So as not to ignore the analogy, if planes are crashing, where should we place the blame? Should it be on the machine or the people that built, maintained, or operated the machine? If marriages are failing at a higher rate than in the past, should we question the institution of marriage that has endured millennia, or should we question the people behind the marriage. It’s obvious that I believe marriages do not fail because of the institution, they fail because of people are not perfect.

There are ways to improve the success rate of marriage. Just as pilots perform a pre-flight inspection, couples should participate in premarital counseling. In fact, couples that seek and complete counseling before they tie-the-knot continually rank as the most successful in terms of longevity and happiness.

But of course, the pre-flight inspection is not all that goes into a successful flight. Each aircraft undergoes routine maintenance and marriages should also. These can be simple, frank discussions over dinner in the privacy of the home. It could also be professional counseling during particularly difficult times. Or, it could simply be a vacation or retreat to allow for a rejuvenated relationship. As you would expect, remembering those special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, first date, etc.) will help keep the intimacy in the relationship for the long term.

Finally, in the last effort to apply this analogy, maybe the design and construction of the relationship needs to be evaluated. Studies have shown that couples that cohabitate prior to marriage have a higher “failure” rate than those who maintain their own residences. Other factors also impact the success/failure rate of marriage: number of previous intimate partners, intimacy prior to marriage, etc. These need to considered equally important when entering a marriage and should be discussed during premarital counseling.

Even with the best planning, sometimes what seems like a “perfect” marriage fails. When they do, we have to remember that it was not the institution that failed; it was a person or people. This is not intended to place blame or provide a rationale for divorce. However, most divorces are caused when one or both partners become physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive or because of infidelity. In the absence of abuse or infidelity, the primary rationale used is “we just don’t love each other anymore,” or another variation, “we fell out of love.”

Some will say “love is never having to say you’re sorry.” I would have to disagree and say love is recognizing your imperfections and asking for forgiveness. But it’s also accepting the shortcomings of your spouse, offering forgiveness and putting forth the effort to grow in the relationship.

In marriage, love is not the destination; rather, it is the journey. Marriages fail when one or both partners abandon the journey. But just because some begin the journey together and then decide not to continue, does not mean the journey is in vain or no one else should embark upon the adventure. Marriage, and the sanctity of the institution of marriage, depends upon couples willing to commit to a journey through life’s ups and downs, joys and struggles and honor each other and their God along the way.